Hey! Yeah, you, obnoxious movie goer. We have a couple of things to say to you. With the fall season rolling around and the abundance of dramatic films coming out, we figured it was time we laid out some ground rules and general film-going etiquette. You see, we watch a lot of movies—a lot meaning sometimes six or seven in one month. So, considering how many movies we’ve seen, it should also come as no surprise then that we’ve encountered a ton of criminally bad moviegoers. Sure, there are the loud talkers, but that's only the peak of the iceberg of how annoying a person can get.
And if you’re guilty of any of the following, Mastadon might just bite your torso and give you a disease.
READ MORE after the jump!
And if you’re guilty of any of the following, Mastadon might just bite your torso and give you a disease.
READ MORE after the jump!
Loud talkers/obnoxious laughs/stage whispers
An audible whisper is the same as talking, so go ahead and ask your friend whatever you were asking. Along with ringing cell phones, this is the No. 1 most offensive no-no to perpetrate at the theater. Nothing you ask or say to your friend is going to be as interesting or funny as the movie, so don’t even bother. We especially hate the bad audience members who keep asking what other movies a particular actor or actress has been in. Mom, we’re talking to you! Also just because you're deaf doesn't mean we are, stop whisper yelling.
An audible whisper is the same as talking, so go ahead and ask your friend whatever you were asking. Along with ringing cell phones, this is the No. 1 most offensive no-no to perpetrate at the theater. Nothing you ask or say to your friend is going to be as interesting or funny as the movie, so don’t even bother. We especially hate the bad audience members who keep asking what other movies a particular actor or actress has been in. Mom, we’re talking to you! Also just because you're deaf doesn't mean we are, stop whisper yelling.
Line repeaters
This is in a separate category from just talking loudly because it is four times more obnoxious than merely talking loudly. We’re talking about the guy who will laugh at a line in the movie and then repeat said line to his companion. We get the joke, buddy; we’re watching the same exact movie here. The only thing worse than this is sitting next to the a-hole who has seen the movie and actually quotes the line before anyone says it. Spoiler alert: I'm going to punch you in the throat.
Texting during the movie
We all know that talking on our cell phones is a big no-no during the movie, but even remotely pulling your phone out is unacceptable. The blinding white light of your cell phone really detracts from what’s happening on the screen. This category means that you cannot text or even check your phone during the flick. We make exceptions for doctors—you’re allowed to at least check that thing. Parents? Let that babysitter earn those $10 an hour, and leave your phone off.
This category also applies to movie critics with the clicky light pen. You don’t need those to take notes. You can see the notebook perfectly fine on your lap. Not only is the light annoying, but that little “click click” is pretty awful too. Thank you.
This is in a separate category from just talking loudly because it is four times more obnoxious than merely talking loudly. We’re talking about the guy who will laugh at a line in the movie and then repeat said line to his companion. We get the joke, buddy; we’re watching the same exact movie here. The only thing worse than this is sitting next to the a-hole who has seen the movie and actually quotes the line before anyone says it. Spoiler alert: I'm going to punch you in the throat.
Texting during the movie
We all know that talking on our cell phones is a big no-no during the movie, but even remotely pulling your phone out is unacceptable. The blinding white light of your cell phone really detracts from what’s happening on the screen. This category means that you cannot text or even check your phone during the flick. We make exceptions for doctors—you’re allowed to at least check that thing. Parents? Let that babysitter earn those $10 an hour, and leave your phone off.
This category also applies to movie critics with the clicky light pen. You don’t need those to take notes. You can see the notebook perfectly fine on your lap. Not only is the light annoying, but that little “click click” is pretty awful too. Thank you.
Having an offensive odor
Besides sitting next to a loud talker or line repeater, this is one of the worst offenses a moviegoer can commit. If you smell bad, don’t sit next to us. We’re not just talking B.O., folks. We mean anyone who smokes a lot, chooses not to wear deodorant, or anyone who’s eaten anything stinky in a while. Have a friend sniff test you to see how offensive you are just to make sure--otherwise you will be holding someone hostage in your bear trap of smell, and that's just not nice. Seriously, you're going out in public so make an effort to bathe. But for God's sake please don't overdo it with cologne or perfume!
Showing up late and asking us to move
We are very punctual movie goers. We love watching the previews; we stake out the perfect seat—which we’re told is three quarters of the way back, directly in the middle for optimum sound and audio; we hit up the bathroom; we keep our seats warm. It’s an exact science by now. So, nothing is more off putting then when moseying latecomers barge into the theater, eye the seats to the left and the right of us and not-so-politely ask us to shift. Sure, we’ll move—we don’t want to look like the villains, after all—but we don’t like it one bit, and we’ll certainly not make eye contact with you. Do us a favor and show up early. You have been warned.
Eating loudly
Popcorn is a fairly quiet snack. A pickle is not. Some of us love pickles at the movies (much to Greg's chagrin), yet even we know how loud they can be when, so we’ve honed a perfected pickle eating method, which consists of very little loud chomping. Try and take bites during loud scenes and avoid chewing during quiet and/or romantic scenes. In addition, be sure and have a drink handy, because you might enter into the stinky category if you open that mouth of yours with your awful pickle breath.
Also, if you’re going to sneak food in, the No. 1 thing to NEVER EVER bring into a theater is an apple. We kid you not, we sat next to someone who brought an apple into a movie and ate it during some very quiet moments. A pickle may require some loud chewing, but it has nothing on how loud an apple can be.
Follow our tips and you won't be an asshole this winter when you're checking out some awesome movies--and we won't have to punch you in the throat.
--Darcie Duttweiler & Greg MacLennan
Besides sitting next to a loud talker or line repeater, this is one of the worst offenses a moviegoer can commit. If you smell bad, don’t sit next to us. We’re not just talking B.O., folks. We mean anyone who smokes a lot, chooses not to wear deodorant, or anyone who’s eaten anything stinky in a while. Have a friend sniff test you to see how offensive you are just to make sure--otherwise you will be holding someone hostage in your bear trap of smell, and that's just not nice. Seriously, you're going out in public so make an effort to bathe. But for God's sake please don't overdo it with cologne or perfume!
Showing up late and asking us to move
We are very punctual movie goers. We love watching the previews; we stake out the perfect seat—which we’re told is three quarters of the way back, directly in the middle for optimum sound and audio; we hit up the bathroom; we keep our seats warm. It’s an exact science by now. So, nothing is more off putting then when moseying latecomers barge into the theater, eye the seats to the left and the right of us and not-so-politely ask us to shift. Sure, we’ll move—we don’t want to look like the villains, after all—but we don’t like it one bit, and we’ll certainly not make eye contact with you. Do us a favor and show up early. You have been warned.
Eating loudly
Popcorn is a fairly quiet snack. A pickle is not. Some of us love pickles at the movies (much to Greg's chagrin), yet even we know how loud they can be when, so we’ve honed a perfected pickle eating method, which consists of very little loud chomping. Try and take bites during loud scenes and avoid chewing during quiet and/or romantic scenes. In addition, be sure and have a drink handy, because you might enter into the stinky category if you open that mouth of yours with your awful pickle breath.
Also, if you’re going to sneak food in, the No. 1 thing to NEVER EVER bring into a theater is an apple. We kid you not, we sat next to someone who brought an apple into a movie and ate it during some very quiet moments. A pickle may require some loud chewing, but it has nothing on how loud an apple can be.
Follow our tips and you won't be an asshole this winter when you're checking out some awesome movies--and we won't have to punch you in the throat.
--Darcie Duttweiler & Greg MacLennan
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