What to say about The Thing that hasn’t been said about the million other remakes, reboots and uncalled for prequels? Well, for starters, it’s another one of those. A film that no one asked for. A movie no one ever knew they didn’t need.
The Thing (1982) — the real one, the John Carpenter-directed one with a bearded Kurt Russell — is a grim, tense and terrifying thriller with groundbreaking special effects and a palpable air of paranoia.
The Thing (2011) — the brainless yawn-fest of a prequel released this week that stars a beardless Mary Elizabeth Winstead (the object of Michael Cera’s affection in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, the cheerleader from Death Proof) — leads into the opening of the original film by telling us the story of the poor bastards who first come into contact with The Thing. The Thing — the titular shape-shifting alien life form that can morph to mimic its victims — is introduced in The Thing (2011) as a 13-foot tall black bipedal creature with claw-like hands that has been frozen in the ice outside of its spacecraft, which apparently crashed in the middle of Antarctica centuries ago.
This Thing — the appearance-absorbing alien — creates some interesting dilemmas if you’re isolated with a small group of scientists in a remote research facility in Antarctica. Who can you trust when you know the enemy is among you?
Luxurious beards and flamethrower porn after the jump!
The Thing (1982) — the real one, the John Carpenter-directed one with a bearded Kurt Russell — is a grim, tense and terrifying thriller with groundbreaking special effects and a palpable air of paranoia.
The Thing (2011) — the brainless yawn-fest of a prequel released this week that stars a beardless Mary Elizabeth Winstead (the object of Michael Cera’s affection in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, the cheerleader from Death Proof) — leads into the opening of the original film by telling us the story of the poor bastards who first come into contact with The Thing. The Thing — the titular shape-shifting alien life form that can morph to mimic its victims — is introduced in The Thing (2011) as a 13-foot tall black bipedal creature with claw-like hands that has been frozen in the ice outside of its spacecraft, which apparently crashed in the middle of Antarctica centuries ago.
This Thing — the appearance-absorbing alien — creates some interesting dilemmas if you’re isolated with a small group of scientists in a remote research facility in Antarctica. Who can you trust when you know the enemy is among you?
Luxurious beards and flamethrower porn after the jump!
Unfortunately, this Thing (2011) has nothing to offer but a diluted and dumbed down copy-and-paste job of The Thing (1982). Same plot. Same problem. Same monster. Gone are Kurt Russell's luxurious facial locks and any method to the madness of The Thing's takeover of the camp. We never know where to direct our mistrust because, rather building any kind of tension about who the predator may be, this Thing seems to take over victims at random.
Then, we get 45 minutes of point the flamethrower at someone, shoot the flamethrower at someone, reaction shot, explosions and/or melting, a CG double-faced crab-walking monster man and then, oh wait, more flamethrower. (Seriously, I don’t think I can convey how much they use the damn flamethrower. It had more screen time than Joel Edgerton. If you have some kind of flamethrower fetish or work in the flamethrower industry, this is the thing for you.)
Most telling about the lack of scares is the biggest startle The Thing (2011) gave me. Sure, the creatures of the '82 Thing look dated now, but it still delivers a real sense of dread. But, there is little suspense or fear in '11 Thing. The silly-looking CG creature with its screeching voice and razor-sharp tentacles, no matter how suddenly or loudly it rips onto the screen, feels cartoonish. No, the only moment that delivered a jump for this unsatisfied viewer was when a scientist yells, “Boo.” Boo indeed.
Rather than going to watch The Thing (2011), go watch The Thing (1982). Hell, you could even go watch the Swamp Thing TV series. Most anything could be better than this thing.
--Eric Pulsifer
Then, we get 45 minutes of point the flamethrower at someone, shoot the flamethrower at someone, reaction shot, explosions and/or melting, a CG double-faced crab-walking monster man and then, oh wait, more flamethrower. (Seriously, I don’t think I can convey how much they use the damn flamethrower. It had more screen time than Joel Edgerton. If you have some kind of flamethrower fetish or work in the flamethrower industry, this is the thing for you.)
Most telling about the lack of scares is the biggest startle The Thing (2011) gave me. Sure, the creatures of the '82 Thing look dated now, but it still delivers a real sense of dread. But, there is little suspense or fear in '11 Thing. The silly-looking CG creature with its screeching voice and razor-sharp tentacles, no matter how suddenly or loudly it rips onto the screen, feels cartoonish. No, the only moment that delivered a jump for this unsatisfied viewer was when a scientist yells, “Boo.” Boo indeed.
Rather than going to watch The Thing (2011), go watch The Thing (1982). Hell, you could even go watch the Swamp Thing TV series. Most anything could be better than this thing.
--Eric Pulsifer
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