The Movie Press
  • Movie Reviews
  • Twitter News/Updates
  • News & Notes
  • DVD
  • Box Office Results
  • Contact
  • About Us

"New Moon" has no satisf(action)

11/19/2009

2 Comments

 
Picture
I think I might be 10 to 12 years too old to really get the Twilight phenom, and, perhaps, I'm about 15 years too young to really howl at a shirtless 17 year old because that's the sentiment I walked away with after the Twilight Saga: New Moon screening this week. So, devout lovers of the books, beware; there's a good chance my review might break your heart..that is, of course, if Robert Pattinson hasn't stolen it away already.  

Read the review after the jump!

Chances are if you're heading out to see New Moon this weekend that you already know what's going on and this won't spoil anything for you. The flick picks up with Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Pattinson) all googly eyed in love with each other on the eve of Bella's 18th bday. Homegirl already has an issue with her age as her BF (forever) can't age because he's a (gasp) bloodsucker--okay, not really, because we never see him actually drink blood. EVER. At Bella's birthday party, she cuts herself, and Edward's faux brother tries to attack her in his blood lust. In order to "protect" Bella, Edward decides to leave town, and Bella throws herself into a dark depression that only a teenager could muster the energy to commit to. In order to ease her pain, Bella decides to spend more time with her boytoy bff Jacob (Taylor Lautner).  

That's basically the gist of the film because not much happens for almost two and a half hours. It's pretty excrutiating, and as little as I truly care about this whole Twilight nonsense, I just found myself getting way too worked up, and not in a good way. Since Romeo and Juliet has a not-so-underlying theme in the film, let's do this Will Shakespeare style, and let me count the ways.  

One, the acting is bad--like, real bad. Stewart doesn't do anything but react to other characters' actions, and her reacting is nothing but loud gasps and wide eyes. It's obnoxious and awful. Pattinson's acting is just about pouting his lips and brooding intensely. Lautner keeps trying to puff up his chest to proove how much muscle he gained, but all I could do was stare at the blatant muscle lines the makeup lady drew on him. None of it is believable, but Stewart is definitely the worst.  

Two, the dialogue is atrocious and laughable. At a quasi-romantic scene Jacob mumbles something in American Indian speak, and it's weird. Edward and Bella have the most awful and cheesy conversations that made even an enraptured audience of die hard fans openly giggle. Such as this gem: "You give me everything just by breathing."  

Three, why does Edward get so many slo-mo entrances? It's also awkward and creepy.  

Four, NOTHING happens. People mope. Eventually they go to Italy and some slight shit happens, but mainly it's just an excuse to waste Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen who are in the film for about 10 minutes and seem to be the only interesting vampires in the whole franchise. Also, don't expect any cool vampire stuff--no one ever gets bitten. EVER.  

Five, it's impossible for me to get past these super chaste, abstinence-only relationships. Not only does Twilight basically say if you make out for more than three seconds bad things will happen to you, it also essentially says that Bella is nothing without Edward. AND, it also seems to condone violent relationships with the amount of times people tell each other they can't be together for "their own good" or "don't make me angry." So, sex is bad, but being dangerously mauled or bitten by your boyfriend is a turn on? Whatever.  

Six, Bella is a bitch, and she plays Jacob for a fool.  

Seven, the film basically just sets up the plot for the next film. I hate it when movies do this, as if they assume I will just pony up the money to finish this bitch out.  

Okay, despite all these faults (and many, many more!), New Moon is a decidedly better FILM than its predecessor. New director Chris Weitz makes better use of his budget, and the CG werewolves don't look tooooo bad (they're no Iorek, the armored bear, though, don't get me wrong). The film is a tad showier than the first film, and while the dialogue may be cheesy, the look of the movie isn't.  

If you're a fan of the novels, I'm sure New Moon is bound to excite you, and, for those who don't give a damn, I'm pretty positive you're not setting foot in the theater anytime soon for a movie about vampires who don't have sex and werewolves who like to wear jorts.  

--Darcie Duttweiler
2 Comments
Jordan Shoe link
3/8/2011 09:58:48 am

We firmly believe there is more to life than money, beer, and sex. We just don't know what it is.

Reply
Shop Jerseys link
6/8/2011 03:55:17 pm

Hi there I stumbled upon your website by mistake when i searched Google for this subject, I have to tell you your page is really valuable I also enjoy the theme, it is cool!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    October 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    July 2018
    June 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    March 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    July 2009
    June 2009
    May 2009
    April 2009
    March 2009
    February 2009
    January 2009
    December 2008
    November 2008
    October 2008
    September 2008
    August 2008

    Categories

    All
    Austin Film Festival
    Darcie Duttweiler Reviews
    Derrick Mitcham Reviews
    Eric Harrelson Reviews
    Eric Pulsifer Reviews
    Eric Pulsifer Reviews
    Fantastic Fest
    Greg Maclennan Reviews
    Greg Wilson Reviews
    Jessica Hixson Reviews
    Mark Collins Reviews
    Monte Monreal Reviews
    Reviews
    Rob Heidrick Reviews
    Rob Heidrick Reviews
    Sxsw

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.