Will Arnett does us an early favor and tells about where to set our expectations for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In an Arnett-y diatribe about coffee, he tries to console April O’Neal who’s had her fill of reporting puff pieces. Arnett, playing Vernon Fenwick, tells April her puff pieces are froth, and it’s a good thing. Froth is light, sweet, filled with hot air, and utterly weightless. It’s froth! Ladies and gentlemen, your 2014 Ninja Turtles.
Although this is not a Michael Bay film, his ligature marks all over this picture. He may have spent last year lovingly crafting his 2 hour and 45 minute crapsterpiece Transformers: Age of Extinction, but he made sure to give director Johnathan Liebesman some pointers. Between the cluttered action pieces, use of character actors (William Fichtner!), and almost inconsequential storyline, you’d think Mr. Bay himself was behind the megaphone.
Our ass-kicking, wise-cracking, hip-hop informed CGI turtles remain largely on the good side of Uncanny Valley. But Splinter looks…am I saying this? Too real? He kind of freaked me out, so, um, props to the animators, I guess. The least convincing CGI eukaryote is Megan Fox as April O’Neal. It’s not as though she can’t act, but she willfully does not act in this movie. At times wooden, other moments psychotic, and later cartoonish as the damsel in peril, this was not her best effort. And endless attention is paid to how hot she is, all of it from male characters—human or not. Fox does look beautiful, and if that’s all the character demands, perhaps they got the performance they wanted.
TMNT’s story plays like a 30 minute episode stuffed with action sequences until it was 101 minutes long. I’d forgive an anemic plot if this one wasn’t so stupefying in its execution. Glossing over major plot points and plodding around useless story setting, the narrative lacked grace. The filmmakers relied far too much on what we’re supposed to know about the Ninja Turtles. We’re expected to accept the absurd backstory, the tension in the turtles’ relationship, the villain’s motivations, all because it’s part of known Ninja Turtles’ lore. Oh, and they like pizza. [Insert Pizza Hut product shot here.]
Even the attempts to invoke the Turtle films of yore are clumsy. Feeding us familiar lines of a dialogue, teasing the Turtle Van™, dressing April O'Neal in yellow, it's all stilted fan servicing. Indicative of the bloated nostalgia industry, TMNT really ranks among the most shallow of these films. No risk, plenty of reward, and all because a generation who've come of age can't sever ties to some consumable product aggressively marketed to them decades ago. If we can't get over it, why should Hollywood?
Ultimately, TMNT’s failing is their inability to focus on the relationships. The Turtles are great because they’re ninjas, but they’ve also got to be teenagers. They’ve got to be outsiders and brothers together, but still have to follow a leader among them. Hormones, crime fighting, YouTube, it’s complicated. Not to say the film needs to be dour, but make a little more time to mine these complexities. In the moments they do instill some humanity, the film can be charming, even surprising. Otherwise it lacks something to get behind, and how hard could it be to invest in mutant turtle teenagers who are also ninjas?
Although this is not a Michael Bay film, his ligature marks all over this picture. He may have spent last year lovingly crafting his 2 hour and 45 minute crapsterpiece Transformers: Age of Extinction, but he made sure to give director Johnathan Liebesman some pointers. Between the cluttered action pieces, use of character actors (William Fichtner!), and almost inconsequential storyline, you’d think Mr. Bay himself was behind the megaphone.
Our ass-kicking, wise-cracking, hip-hop informed CGI turtles remain largely on the good side of Uncanny Valley. But Splinter looks…am I saying this? Too real? He kind of freaked me out, so, um, props to the animators, I guess. The least convincing CGI eukaryote is Megan Fox as April O’Neal. It’s not as though she can’t act, but she willfully does not act in this movie. At times wooden, other moments psychotic, and later cartoonish as the damsel in peril, this was not her best effort. And endless attention is paid to how hot she is, all of it from male characters—human or not. Fox does look beautiful, and if that’s all the character demands, perhaps they got the performance they wanted.
TMNT’s story plays like a 30 minute episode stuffed with action sequences until it was 101 minutes long. I’d forgive an anemic plot if this one wasn’t so stupefying in its execution. Glossing over major plot points and plodding around useless story setting, the narrative lacked grace. The filmmakers relied far too much on what we’re supposed to know about the Ninja Turtles. We’re expected to accept the absurd backstory, the tension in the turtles’ relationship, the villain’s motivations, all because it’s part of known Ninja Turtles’ lore. Oh, and they like pizza. [Insert Pizza Hut product shot here.]
Even the attempts to invoke the Turtle films of yore are clumsy. Feeding us familiar lines of a dialogue, teasing the Turtle Van™, dressing April O'Neal in yellow, it's all stilted fan servicing. Indicative of the bloated nostalgia industry, TMNT really ranks among the most shallow of these films. No risk, plenty of reward, and all because a generation who've come of age can't sever ties to some consumable product aggressively marketed to them decades ago. If we can't get over it, why should Hollywood?
Ultimately, TMNT’s failing is their inability to focus on the relationships. The Turtles are great because they’re ninjas, but they’ve also got to be teenagers. They’ve got to be outsiders and brothers together, but still have to follow a leader among them. Hormones, crime fighting, YouTube, it’s complicated. Not to say the film needs to be dour, but make a little more time to mine these complexities. In the moments they do instill some humanity, the film can be charming, even surprising. Otherwise it lacks something to get behind, and how hard could it be to invest in mutant turtle teenagers who are also ninjas?
— Monte Monreal
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