Don't be fooled by the marketing campaign that promises a fun and whimsical vampire film with a mix of action and adventure thrown in because, frankly, that's not the Vampire's Assistant.

The Vampire's Assistant tells the frightening tale of a boy who unknowingly breaks a 200-year-old truce between two warring factions of vampires. Pulled into a fantastic life of misunderstood... The Vampire's Assistant tells the frightening tale of a boy named Darren who unknowingly breaks a 200-year-old truce between two warring factions of vampires. Pulled into a fantastic life of misunderstood sideshow freaks and grotesque creatures of the night, Darren must choose a side and rise up to be the vampire he was foretold to be.

Unfortunately, by the time Darren does rise up, it's only in time to set up the hopeful sequel, and not even the super celebrity cast of John C. Reily, Orlando Jones, Salma Hayek, Ken Watanabe, Ray Stevenson, and Willem Dafoe can save this thing.

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What would you do if two men broke into your house, stabbed you, and then raped your wife and killed your daughter in front of you? Not only that, but one guy rolls on the other after being apprehended, and, while one gets sentenced to lethal injection, the other walks after three years of 'hard' time. You'd probably bleed a little at first, then stew in your anger for 10 years, and then methodically plan out the dumbest, most implausible form of revenge you could think of, wouldn't you? I knew it!

Such is the premise for Law Abiding Citizen, the latest from director F. Gary Gray (Italian Job, A Man Apart, and several R. Kelly Videos). Gerard Butler plays the judiciously wronged father, while Jamie Foxx plays the well-to-do lawyer who is seeking to advance his career by keeping his conviction percentage high. Upon being wronged both by the aforementioned stabber/rapers and by the justice system, Butler takes the law into his own hands and tries to create what could have been a fun little revenge flick. Unfortunately, though, things go horribly wrong.

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There are movies that I sit through and thoroughly enjoy from start to finish. There are movies that I sit through and extremely loathe. And then there are movies that I think, “Ok, this movie is goooooood, but why am I not enjoying it more?” Coco Avant Chanel fits in the latter category. I’m always fascinated by a good, ol’ fashioned biopic that tells a great story about how someone became something great, and while Coco Avant Chanel gives us the small details of what made Coco Chanel different than other French designers during her time (which, let’s face it, spanned over 50 years), it doesn’t give us the rewards of her struggles. It could have used more of Coco Après Chanel.

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Uwe Boll is quite the prolific director. He has made several video game adaptations, as well as shot some original visions of his own. He writes, he produces, he directs, and no matter how gigantic the failures  of his productions (both critically and commercially), he always has another movie coming out. For a guy who's made 18 movies now, none of which have broeken $10 mil at the domestic box office or even garner more than a 10% positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, it is astounding. But as they say, every dog has his day, and today is Uwe Boll's day.

Rampage is the director's latest effort that tells the story of Bill, a mild mannered suburban-dwelling twentysomething who works at a mechanic shop and lives with his parents. Bill goes about his life like most of us, dealing with everyday struggles and frustrations--from the guy who can't make our coffee right to having to go out on our own and make it in the world. Only difference is, where you or I would sink or swim in the world, Bill decides to create and bulletproof steel suit of armor and go on a killing spree across his town, murdering indiscriminately. Sounds like a blast right?

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