Normally I would try to be cute and witty with this opening sentence, but I’m not gonna pussyfoot around the subject at hand for this one: Valentine’s Day sucks. It sucks hard. It sucks so hard, I almost think Gary Marshall tried to make it suck so badly. Question: How do you make so many likable actors so terrible? Answer: Get them to star in Valentine’s Day.

Read why Valentine’s Day blows so much after the jump!

When directors go back and reboot a franchise, the most successful are always those who boil a movie down to its core, give it a firm base in reality, and then let the character take you from there. Christopher Nolan boiled a man who wears a suit that looks like a bat down to a man whose family was killed and seeks vigilante justice. Spider-Man was more than a kid who got bit by a radioactive spider; it was about a kid growing up in the world and learning for every one of his actions there is a reaction. What Joe Johnston has done with The Wolfman is boiled a film about a man dealing with his inner demons down to simply a film about a man who turns into a wolf.  And breaking a film down and missing the mark only serves to reveal the films inherent silliness.

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In Saint John of Las Vegas John Alighieri (Steve Buscemi) is a compulsive ex-gambler who had a bit of luck in Las Vegas once.Then his luck ran out, and he found himself driving as far away from Sin City as his last tank of gas would take him. Still wrestling with his addiction and searching for a new sense of purpose in Albuquerque, John instigates a romantic liaison with his coworker Jill (a surprisingly pleasant Sarah Silverman) the same day he finally gains the confidence to seek out a raise.

Instead of an increase in pay John's boss, Mr. Townsend (played by Peter Dinklage), promotes him to fraud investigator. This new job requires John to shadow seasoned fraud employee, Virgil (Romany Malco) on an investigation to disprove an insurance claim for $200,000 in lost wages filed by a now wheelchair-bound stripper, Tasti D Lite (Emmanuelle Chriqui). The plot follows John and Virgil on their journey in the desert outside of Las Vegas where John gains the strength he needs to continue on the path of his new life while the temptation of his former one looms in the distance.

CRIPPLED STRIPPERS AND FLAMING CARNIES AFTER THE JUMP. 

District 13 Ultimatum is a French film with subtitles, but—as you may be able to gather from the terrible title—not the boring kind. This sequel to parkour cult classic District 13 is the kind of movie that needs no translation: good, dumb, high-octane fun with countless asses getting kicked, a few explosions and a pinch of sex appeal.

As with the Transporter series, Luc Besson (director of The Fifth Element, The Professional) serves as writer and producer here, and, like those films, the action is over-the-top. Cars rip through buildings like they're made of tissue paper, and countless hordes of goons are creatively overcome in ways that made me hope stuntmen are thoroughly compensated for their suffering.

More after the jump...