What does it mean when something is better than something else that sucks major ass? That’s how I would describe Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. It’s infinitely better than the third film, a movie I couldn’t even follow plot-wise, but it still lacks the excitement and adventure of  The Curse of the Black Pearl and the fun and wacky fight scenes of Dead Man’s Chest (remember the water wheel fight scene?!).  So, what do you call something that didn’t make you want to claw your eyes out, but doesn’t engage you in any way (meaningful or otherwise)? I’d call it On Stranger Tides.

Read more after the jump.

I had to go back and read synopses of the second and third films because I could not remember how Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) was still alive, so perhaps my love of this franchise died with the first one? Anyhow, Stranger Tides opens with Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) being held captive by the King of England who wants Jack to sail to the Fountain of Youth before the Spanish get there. During his escape, Jack learns Barbossa is leading the English fleet to the Fountain and discovers that ex-love, Angelica (Penelope Cruz), is sailing her own expedition to the Fountain aboard her father’s ship, the dreaded Queen Anne’s Revenge, a notorious ship that Blackbeard (Ian McShane), one of the most feared pirates, captains.

Whew. That’s a beast of a plot. Thankfully there aren’t all those pirate politics that weighed down At The World’s End, but the story still feels rather padded with several subplots featuring Jack’s former first mate Gibbs, a magic sword that controls rope (don’t ask), and a missionary who falls in love with the mermaid Blackbeard is determined to kill. Luckily I could actually follow this plot, but when that’s the best selling point of a movie, you know you’ve chosen unwisely.

Everyone seems to be phoning it in for On Stranger Tides. Gone is the spunk of Jack Sparrow that made the Academy nominate Depp for a freaking Oscar for the first film. Even Keith Richards (making a brief cameo as Jack’s dad) looks tired and confused about the film. Rush has lost the evil intimidation, Cruz is just blah, and McShane didn’t make me shake in my boots like Blackbeard should. Even worse than the plot and the acting are the 3D effects. Yawn. These are not worth your extra dollah dollah bills, y’all.

Plus there’s the whole separate notion that Rob Marshall, a Broadway and musical film director, is at the helm of On Stranger Tides. I’m not sure he was fully equipped to handle a film full of action and adventure, which this Pirates outing feels sorely lacking.

With summer blockbusters I can typically turn my movie critic side off and just enjoy the spectacle in front of me, but On Stranger Tides didn’t give me enough sizzle or spark to ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over. This mindless fun was just not-so-fun. But, still…it sure beats the last one.

--Darcie Duttweiler