I loved Sex and the City the show; however, the first SATC film shat upon the memory of my beloved show, forsaking sex, love, and, above all else, friendship for a film where a main character defecates in her pants. I couldn’t put my finger on why the first film rubbed me the wrong way—it was almost as if the characters that worked so well on the small screen became gross caricatures that were unwelcome to me at the Cineplex. So, going into the sequel, I had high hopes that this film could resuscitate the story for me. Luckily no one pooped their pants, but Michael Patrick King and Sarah Jessica Parker most certainly took a dump on those dreams.

SATC 2 picks up where the last film ended: Carrie (Parker) and Big (Chris Noth) are settling into marriage, while deciding on what wedded bliss looks like sans baby; Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) and Steve (David Eisenberg) are juggling Miranda’s hectic work schedule and angry boss with their family life; Charlotte (Kristin Davis) is struggling with the trials and tribulations of raising two young daughters; and Samantha (Kim Catrall) is trying to stave off menopause by ingesting hormones by the fistful. So when Samantha gets offered an all expenses paid vacay to Abu Dhabi, she brings her ladies for extravagant lady bonding and wacky shenanigans. While in the Middle East, Carrie runs into old flame Aidan (John Corbett) and old emotions resurface.

Read more after the jump!

While the HBO series made these characters relatable even in their $400 Manolos, the films have done their best to completely ruin the memory of four independent women striving to find love in the Big Apple. I understand that the ladies are getting older and that the struggles with marriage and mommyhood are appropriate plot-wise, but the way these storylines are handled doesn’t do anyone justice. Everyone seems selfish and spoiled, and I find it hard to pick the girl I most resemble a la the “I’m Carrie” or “I’m Samantha” talk. I want to be none of these ladies. Carrie is too distraught by the fact her husband would rather stay in and snuggle while watching black and white films than go out to see how fucking awesome her life is. Charlotte is drowning in motherhood but with the help of a full-time nanny, which doesn’t make me feel good for my future foray into eventual child rearing. And, as for Samantha, whatever happened to aging gracefully?

The film is just offensive on so many levels. In a time of deep recession and unemployment, these women frivolously throw money about like it grows on trees—seriously, I read that Parker wears a $50,000 dress in one scene.  On top of that, the film begins with an over-the-top gay wedding that makes Liza Minelli (doing her best “Single Ladies” rendition while trying not to look lost) look like she’s a flannel-wearing, chainsaw-wielding lumberjack who thinks homosexuality will wear off on him if he drank anything but whiskey and beer. And Samantha does her best to offend everyone with her outrage of not being able to dress like a whore in a Muslim city. Just when it couldn’t get any more offensive, the writers try to convince me that every woman can relate to another simply through fashion. No matter how different we all are, we all just want to wear frilly things and jump up and down with excitement? Give me a break.

Sure, this film is maybe slightly better than the first. It is chock-full of the slightly un-clever puns that made the series so much fun, and the eye candy is above and beyond the best part of the film. There are slight glimmers of the greatness of the show, which is the wonderful friendship between these four women, but they are so few and far in between that it made me long for the good ol’ days even more. A favorite scene of Miranda and Charlotte bonding over the hardships of motherhood and saying the things no mother wants to say out loud over drinks in their hotel room almost made up for when Charlotte gets a camel toe—on an actual camel… Oh, brother.

Whereas Sex and the City the show celebrated independent women looking for love (and the perfect pair of shoes) while in the company of their best friends, Sex and the City 2 isn’t about anything other than buying tons of shit and complaining about how their lives aren’t “perfect.” And most women will eat it up. Sometimes I’m embarrassed for my sex…

--Darcie Duttweiler