A summer blockbuster should be fun, full of action, and lacking all that thinking bit you get from Oscar baiting fall flicks. Iron Man 2, while not as great as its predecessor, fit this bill. It was fun, the action quotient was high, and I didn’t have to really think once. Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood is nothing like this. While well-made (I mean it’s Ridley Scott, after all), the movie falls flat, it’s WAY too long, and the action is disjointed.

Now, I’m not against a thinkier summer blockbuster—I mean, I absolutely adored The Dark Knight. But there definitely is a difference between, say a Braveheart versus an Iron Man. One is long as fuck, full of politics and sweeping cinematography, and made solely for the purpose of winning awards, while, the other is made for audiences to cheer with a fun superhero in a lighthearted and fun flick.  Robin Hood just happens to fit into the latter category. It is clunky, slow, and kinda boring.  Sure, fine it’s sorta epic. But whatever.

Read more about Russell Crowe’s not-so Merry Men and Lady Marian’s sour puss after the jump!

Basically ignore every other Robin Hood movie you’ve ever seen. There are no Merry Men, no archery contests, no forest living. This is supposed to be “the story behind the legend.” In this version, Crowe plays Robin Longstride, a common archer fighting in the Third Crusade. Once King Richard dies in battle, Robin and three other soldiers head home to England. On their way, they stop Sir Godfrey (Mark Strong) and French soldiers from stealing the crown from a dying knight, Sir Robert Loxley of Nottingham. Robin assumes Loxley’s identity in order to protect this dude's family from losing their lands, including his wife Lady Marian (Cate Blanchett). Meanwhile Godfrey is stirring up trouble with the English Barons and plans to invade England with the French King. Blah blah blah. Magna Carta. Blah blah blah. Bad King John. Civil War. Battles. Blah blah blah.

Whew. It’s exhausting. Especially in a 141 minute run time. And you feel it. It IS exhausting.

While I can appreciate the movie for its retelling of a well-known legend and for its epic nature, by the time the battles come around, I almost didn’t even care. It’s basically a flurry of arrows sailing through the air while Robin runs around on his horse, bashing people with a giant hammer. It’s too disorienting, and it’s too difficult to keep track of who we’re rooting for without the use of Wikipedia. (Plus, for American audiences, it’s the worst people to root for: the French versus the English? It’d be like the Nazis fighting the Japanese…) It’s all so cluttered.

And then there’s the rest of the story, with its faux romantic subplot. Marian hates Robin. Robin is all so nonchalant about the whole thing. There is no sexual tension between Blanchett and Crowe (God, imagine if it was still Sienna Miller), nor are there any sexy moments. And yet, somehow they fall in love, which is referenced once.  It’s absurd and forced. And it makes me feel bad for the wonderful Blanchett, who is given very little to do but hold a sword occasionally and frown. Plus, Matthew Macfadyen as the Sherriff of Nottingham is completely wasted in his 5 minute role. And Crowe’s accent delves into Irish at times. As much as he doesn't want you to say so.

Whereas Iron Man 2 had some redeeming qualities—it was fun and light and the perfect summer movie, faults and all—Robin Hood is just too long, too clunky, too boring to make up for its imperfections. I’d rather rent the movie and fast-forward through the lame parts—which would be like half of the movie. Not-so merry, indeed.

--Darcie Duttweiler