Normally I would try to be cute and witty with this opening sentence, but I’m not gonna pussyfoot around the subject at hand for this one: Valentine’s Day sucks. It sucks hard. It sucks so hard, I almost think Gary Marshall tried to make it suck so badly. Question: How do you make so many likable actors so terrible? Answer: Get them to star in Valentine’s Day.

Read why Valentine’s Day blows so much after the jump!

As you know, Movie Pressers, I have a soft spot for romantic comedies. Even though I know the ending, the journey I take through a rom-com and the chemistry of the leads can propel me through the most predictable of endings. I’m also a sucker for a big ensemble cast, like in Love Actually, which is an actual good movie (haters be damned!). But I can’t stand badly written movies, romantic comedies or no, and Valentine’s Day is a terribly written one. I get that there’s little time for character development when each character doesn’t grace the screen for too long, but there is just NO excuse to have so many characters I just don’t give a shit about.

Case in point: Topher Grace discovering his sexy new gf is an adult phone entertainer? Yawn. Ashton Kutcher being dumped by his boring fiancée? Double boring. Jessica Biel being so freaked out about being alone on Valentine’s Day (yeah, fucking, right) that she freaks her shit out and cries all over Jamie Foxx? Women are just not THAT sad, even the loneliest of sad sack cat ladies. Two virgins trying to get it on for the first time? Haven’t I seen that a million times? There are only maybe one or two story lines I even cared remotely about. Why couldn’t I have gotten a whole movie about Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo as an old married couple discussing a long ago indiscretion? Why couldn't Marshall have given me more time with Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts, who, while their “twist” endings should shock NO ONE, were adorable together?

While Marshall does his best to try to squash any ounce of chemistry and appeal his actors have, there ARE some shining stars. Jennifer Garner, who has probably the worst taste in picking films, is really adorable here as Kutcher’s best friend who may be dating an a-hole. And, while Foxx isn’t given much of a story, he still exudes his Foxxy charm. Even though MacLaine is given shit writing, she still can act her way out of a paper bag. I love that sassy lady. Even Queen Latifah pops up as a ball busting agent with little to do.

And while the movie itself is just so mediocre, there are some decidedly weak links that drag the movie even further down. Biel is grating. I hate George Lopez. Anne Hathaway’s adult entertainment accents are atrociously bad. Eric Dane and Patrick Dempsey could have been anyone in the world they were so boring. Jessica Alba is so stiff in her 2 minute screen time. But, all of them are infinitely better than the worst part of this flick: Taylor Swift. Yeah, I said it. America’s Newest Sweetheart is one of the worst actresses I’ve seen in a loooong time. She is just so over the top—even her facial expressions overdo it. I just wanted to strangle her by the end of it all. I feel like even Taylor Lautner, in all of his ab glory, is gritting his teeth every time she speaks.

Valentine’s Day isn’t one of those “bad” romantic comedies that you will enjoy in spite of the suckiness of it—hey, there are just some bad movies that you still like…just a little bit. It is an awful movie, and I pity every dude who gets dragged to see it because his girlfriend likes someone in it. (Sorry Greg.)

--Darcie Duttweiler