"New Moon" has no satisf(action) 11/19/2009
 I think I might be 10 to 12 years too old to really get the Twilight phenom, and, perhaps, I'm about 15 years too young to really howl at a shirtless 17 year old because that's the sentiment I walked away with after the Twilight Saga: New Moon screening this week. So, devout lovers of the books, beware; there's a good chance my review might break your heart..that is, of course, if Robert Pattinson hasn't stolen it away already. Read the review after the jump! Chances are if you're heading out to see New Moon this weekend that you already know what's going on and this won't spoil anything for you. The flick picks up with Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Pattinson) all googly eyed in love with each other on the eve of Bella's 18th bday. Homegirl already has an issue with her age as her BF (forever) can't age because he's a (gasp) bloodsucker--okay, not really, because we never see him actually drink blood. EVER. At Bella's birthday party, she cuts herself, and Edward's faux brother tries to attack her in his blood lust. In order to "protect" Bella, Edward decides to leave town, and Bella throws herself into a dark depression that only a teenager could muster the energy to commit to. In order to ease her pain, Bella decides to spend more time with her boytoy bff Jacob (Taylor Lautner). That's basically the gist of the film because not much happens for almost two and a half hours. It's pretty excrutiating, and as little as I truly care about this whole Twilight nonsense, I just found myself getting way too worked up, and not in a good way. Since Romeo and Juliet has a not-so-underlying theme in the film, let's do this Will Shakespeare style, and let me count the ways. One, the acting is bad--like, real bad. Stewart doesn't do anything but react to other characters' actions, and her reacting is nothing but loud gasps and wide eyes. It's obnoxious and awful. Pattinson's acting is just about pouting his lips and brooding intensely. Lautner keeps trying to puff up his chest to proove how much muscle he gained, but all I could do was stare at the blatant muscle lines the makeup lady drew on him. None of it is believable, but Stewart is definitely the worst. Two, the dialogue is atrocious and laughable. At a quasi-romantic scene Jacob mumbles something in American Indian speak, and it's weird. Edward and Bella have the most awful and cheesy conversations that made even an enraptured audience of die hard fans openly giggle. Such as this gem: "You give me everything just by breathing." Three, why does Edward get so many slo-mo entrances? It's also awkward and creepy. Four, NOTHING happens. People mope. Eventually they go to Italy and some slight shit happens, but mainly it's just an excuse to waste Dakota Fanning and Michael Sheen who are in the film for about 10 minutes and seem to be the only interesting vampires in the whole franchise. Also, don't expect any cool vampire stuff--no one ever gets bitten. EVER. Five, it's impossible for me to get past these super chaste, abstinence-only relationships. Not only does Twilight basically say if you make out for more than three seconds bad things will happen to you, it also essentially says that Bella is nothing without Edward. AND, it also seems to condone violent relationships with the amount of times people tell each other they can't be together for "their own good" or "don't make me angry." So, sex is bad, but being dangerously mauled or bitten by your boyfriend is a turn on? Whatever. Six, Bella is a bitch, and she plays Jacob for a fool. Seven, the film basically just sets up the plot for the next film. I hate it when movies do this, as if they assume I will just pony up the money to finish this bitch out. Okay, despite all these faults (and many, many more!), New Moon is a decidedly better FILM than its predecessor. New director Chris Weitz makes better use of his budget, and the CG werewolves don't look tooooo bad (they're no Iorek, the armored bear, though, don't get me wrong). The film is a tad showier than the first film, and while the dialogue may be cheesy, the look of the movie isn't. If you're a fan of the novels, I'm sure New Moon is bound to excite you, and, for those who don't give a damn, I'm pretty positive you're not setting foot in the theater anytime soon for a movie about vampires who don't have sex and werewolves who like to wear jorts. --Darcie Duttweiler Comments03/08/2011 17:58
We firmly believe there is more to life than money, beer, and sex. We just don't know what it is. 06/08/2011 22:55
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