Don't be fooled by the marketing campaign that promises a fun and whimsical vampire film with a mix of action and adventure thrown in because, frankly, that's not the Vampire's Assistant.

The Vampire's Assistant tells the frightening tale of a boy who unknowingly breaks a 200-year-old truce between two warring factions of vampires. Pulled into a fantastic life of misunderstood... The Vampire's Assistant tells the frightening tale of a boy named Darren who unknowingly breaks a 200-year-old truce between two warring factions of vampires. Pulled into a fantastic life of misunderstood sideshow freaks and grotesque creatures of the night, Darren must choose a side and rise up to be the vampire he was foretold to be.

Unfortunately, by the time Darren does rise up, it's only in time to set up the hopeful sequel, and not even the super celebrity cast of John C. Reily, Orlando Jones, Salma Hayek, Ken Watanabe, Ray Stevenson, and Willem Dafoe can save this thing.

More after the jump...

Director Chris Weitz and Oscar winner Brian Helgeland adapted the script from the popular teen novel series but sadly seem to have left the characterization and causality behind. I know who the good and bad guys were, but I never really understood the world in which they were inhabiting or how Darren broke the truce other than by showing up. The tone is mixed somewhere between camp, comedy, and horror, and none of it ever really works on any of the levels. Also, none of the characters really have any sort of development. 


But the single greatest fumble was the casting and performance of newcomer Chris Massoglia as Darren, who becomes so annoying that by the end of the film you will wish Josh Hutcherson could kill him with his overacting. Reily and Dafoe are good as always, but they find themselves with little to do while the rest of the celebrity cast gets almost completely wasted.

There are some bright spots in the picture and some cool moments, but not really anything you haven't seen before. The Vampire's Assistant isn't a terrible film, it's just not a very good one. (at least I didn't say it sucks.)

--Greg MacLennan