In the year 2707, war rages between earth’s four giant corporations as they battle over the planet's dwindling resources. In an era marked by warfare and social regression, the earth is on the verge of ruin; destruction is everywhere; battles explode on every ravaged continent. Amidst heavy combat, an errant shell shatters an ancient buried seal releasing a horrific mutant army from its eternal prison deep within the earth. As the mutant scourge threatens human extinction, a single squad of soldiers descends into the earth to fulfill the age-old prophesy of the Mutant Chronicles and save mankind.

Whew...sounds somewhat intriguing doesn't it? Well, I'm willing to wager one might derive more enjoyment from reading the synopsis than actually watching the executed film because it is bad. Not enjoyable bad, just bad. The film struggles so hard to be so many different films and explore so many different things that it ends up just being a flat out waste of your time. The narrative makes little sense and defies logic, so don't think about it. Between the gunfire, sword fights, and underground crab men mutants I had a hard time keeping track of exactly what was going on, and when I knew what was going on, I had a pretty difficult time figuring out why, how, and why I should care.

You get an all star cast of bad asses with Thomas Jane growling out his awkward one liners as best as he can, but unfortunately not even he, Ron Perlman, Devon Aoki, and John Malkovich can save this sinking ship. The acting is at times laughable, and the effects work is just disconnecting. The film was shot much like Sky Captain, and I found it hard to believe these were more than just actors wandering around on a green screen, which makes it difficult to feel a sense of urgency or real stakes.

If Crank was like watching someone play a really fun video game, Mutant Chronicles is like watching someone play a really boring nonsensical RPG. Descend upon this one at your own risk. It hits limited release this weekend, but is always available on many of your XBOX 360s and Video On Demand Services already.

--Greg MacLennan

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