"The Switch:" the Jeff Goldblum show 08/19/2010
 When you show up for a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston, the phrase you least expect to read in the opening credits is “based on a short story by Jeffrey Eugenides.” How on earth did a story by a Pulitzer Prize winner become a rom com with the star of The Bounty Hunter? Beats me. The Switch is the story of Wally (Jason Bateman) and his best friend Kassie (Aniston), who decides she wants to have a baby via artificial insemination. While Kassie picks the “goods” of Roland (Patrick Wilson), a hunky, blonde teacher, Wally accidentally gets super wasted and swaps out Roland’s sperm with his own (after a brief dalliance with a Diane Sawyer magazine cover). Kassie then moves away, only to return 7 years later with a son who bears a huge resemblance to Wally, which conjures up several of emotions with the neurotic loner. Cue feelings and cute kids! With romantic comedies, it can be very easy to write them off as formulaic and predictable. However, when you have a rom com starring funnyman Bateman, you expect something a little better. Unfortunately, The Switch doesn’t deliver. The movie isn’t bad—it’s far from unwatchable. Bateman is fairly funny, but he’s not given much to do other than play nice with a cute but neurotic kid, who is, yes, very adorable. Aniston is basically nonexistent in her role, as is Wilson. There is a shining light in this movie, though, and his name is Jeff Goldblum. Shocker of the year, right? Goldblum reminded me very much of Ted Danson in HBO’s Bored to Death, and that’s a great compliment. He was easily the best part of The Switch as Wally’s coworker and narcissistic friend. Juliette Lewis serves the same function as Kassie’s kooky friend who’s less likable than Goldblum. I wish I had good news for Arrested Development fans, but The Switch is merely a mediocre movie starring a fun and charming actor and his scene-stealing, weird friend. Goldblum totally owned this movie—too bad it had all that love and kid junk holding him down… --Darcie Duttweiler Add Comment "Step Up 3D:" the wave of the future? 08/06/2010
 Remember those 3D movies you used to see in theme parks as a kid? You would spend the whole run time on the edge of your seat waiting for the next object to jump out at you. While Avatar created an entire universe that was complex, robust, and so…three dimensional, I can’t help but admit the longing I sometimes feel when watching a modern 3D movie for something to just….fucking jump out at me. Step Up 3D may not have the emotional depth of the likes of even Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but things (namely arms, bubbles, rain, and feet) fucking jump out at you. And it’s awesome. Read the full review AFTER the jump. "Inception:" enjoy what dreams may come 07/15/2010
 I’m having an incredibly difficult time sitting down to write this Inception review. Much like Christopher Nolan’s Memento, this film sits with you far longer than the hours you spend in the theater, and it’s a film that takes some time to mull over—not only just the plot but the imageries as well. And if any critic tells you they can easily critique Inception with just one viewing is a bold-faced liar. It is a film that takes repeated viewings merely to scratch away at the layers of complexity that unfold before your eyes. If this sounds hard to digest, however, fret not, movie goer. Inception is definitely a summer blockbuster disguised as a thinky, sci-fi drama. It has all the action and visual effects you crave, but, unlike most of the movies this summer, it is wholly original and a fantastic voyage to embark upon. Read more AFTER the jump! Even in 3D "Airbender" falls flat 07/01/2010
 I love going into a movie with absolutely NO expectations because either way I’ll be okay. If it’s good, it completely rocks my world, and if it’s bad then I still have a good time. I’m glad I went into The Last Airbender with no expectations and nary a scrap of what the plot contained because the movie is just merely so-so. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it—I had a fairly good time watching the special effects—but when I dive just a little deeper and try to look at the film from a critical eye, it doesn’t measure up. However, I feel like M. Nigh Syamalan’s adaptation is one really good commercial for the Nickelodeon animated series, and THAT I have high expectations for.
Read MORE after the jump!  As you may recall from last year’s New Moon review, I’m not a big fan of the Twilight Saga or the whole Mormon vampire phenom in general. So if you’re looking for a subjective review, you’re probably not going to find it here. But considering this is probably the best Twilight outing of the series thus far, you might be surprised at how much I didn’t just outright loathe this film. Before I get into the good bits of Eclipse, however, let me first reiterate why I firmly believe this series is destroying America—teenage girls in particular. First of all, it’s repeated several times that if Bella (Kristen Stewart) has sex with Edward (Robert Pattinson) that she will lose her soul. No joke. Second of all, Bella is begging for Edward to turn her into a vampire, meaning she will literally give up her life for this dude. Thirdly, Edward is downright obsessive with Bella. It freaks me out, and I’m probably a high maintenance lady. It’s creepy. So what messages are we sending to all the screaming girls out there? That they should look for an obsessive boyfriend who they should give up their entire lives for? But watch out, you wouldn’t want to lose your virtue by expressing your sexuality! Anyhoo. Now that my feminist bitchfest is out of the way, onto the rest of the review where, as I mentioned already, I don’t completely bash the shit out of Eclipse! "Toy Story 3" delivers wonder and magic 06/17/2010
 I’m going to step out on a limb here, folks. Toy Story 3 may be the best Pixar film ever made. Allow that to marinate for a bit. While The Incredibles was, well, incredible, and WALL-E was breathtakingly sweet, Toy Story 3 has the hidden perk of nostalgia to go along with its impeccable storytelling, beautiful animation, and wonderful voice acting. While that robot flick fell apart once we reached the human space station and Up crumbled once old men started fighting with their teeth, Toy Story 3 is insanely solid through and through. It is so much more than a child’s film, which is ironic considering it’s a movie about children’s playthings (Woody’s words, not mine)—it’s a cinematic feat that will likely touch the hearts and imaginations of all the adults in the audience while still entertaining the kiddos. Be prepared, though; you might even shed a tear or two… Read more about the cinematic quality of Toy Story 3 AFTER the jump. Guyliner + Parkour = "Prince of Persia" 05/27/2010
 From what I know about the videogame Prince of Persia is that you can do cool running-up-walls moves while pretending that you’re a parkour badass and that you can stop time. That’s the extent of my knowledge. Just knowing that, it’s safe to say that Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is a pretty faithful adaptation of the video game. In fact, it may be one of the best video game adaptations ever. The plot is easy to follow, the fight scenes are pretty bitchin’, and you can easily sit back and simply enjoy a fun action flick. Sure, you have to ignore the fact that the two “Persian” leads are the whitest actors of all time, and, okay, Jake Gyllenhaal’s accent is atrocious. But if you resign yourself to put aside these two factors, there shouldn’t be anything standing in the way of your enjoyment of Prince of Persia. Read more after the jump! SATC 2: Shit and the City 05/27/2010
 I loved Sex and the City the show; however, the first SATC film shat upon the memory of my beloved show, forsaking sex, love, and, above all else, friendship for a film where a main character defecates in her pants. I couldn’t put my finger on why the first film rubbed me the wrong way—it was almost as if the characters that worked so well on the small screen became gross caricatures that were unwelcome to me at the Cineplex. So, going into the sequel, I had high hopes that this film could resuscitate the story for me. Luckily no one pooped their pants, but Michael Patrick King and Sarah Jessica Parker most certainly took a dump on those dreams. SATC 2 picks up where the last film ended: Carrie (Parker) and Big (Chris Noth) are settling into marriage, while deciding on what wedded bliss looks like sans baby; Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) and Steve (David Eisenberg) are juggling Miranda’s hectic work schedule and angry boss with their family life; Charlotte (Kristin Davis) is struggling with the trials and tribulations of raising two young daughters; and Samantha (Kim Catrall) is trying to stave off menopause by ingesting hormones by the fistful. So when Samantha gets offered an all expenses paid vacay to Abu Dhabi, she brings her ladies for extravagant lady bonding and wacky shenanigans. While in the Middle East, Carrie runs into old flame Aidan (John Corbett) and old emotions resurface. Read more after the jump!  I haven’t liked a Shrek movie since the first one. I found that film to be refreshing, funny, and made for both adults and kids alike. The following two films, however? Not so much. They relied too much on toilet humor and seemed to pander to the lowest common denominator. That being said…I actually kinda liked Shrek Forever After. Please note the word “kinda.” Shown in exceptionally impressive 3D, Forever After is basically a rip-off of It’s a Wonderful Life, where Shrek basically gets to see what life would be like had he never been born after he is tricked into signing a contract with the sneaky Rumpelstiltskin. Life for Shrek has become monotonous and hard since the birth of his kids and the explosion of his popularity. Longing for quieter times, he asks for a day just to be an ogre. This is where Rumpelstiltskin comes into play. Realizing how sucky the alternate universe is without him—Donkey is forced to haul carts by witches, Fiona was never rescued and leads an ogre resistance against the tyrant Rumpelstiltskin, and Puss in Boots is fat—Shrek must race the clock to make things right or disappear forever. Read more after the jump! "Robin Hood:" the anti summer blockbuster 05/14/2010
 A summer blockbuster should be fun, full of action, and lacking all that thinking bit you get from Oscar baiting fall flicks. Iron Man 2, while not as great as its predecessor, fit this bill. It was fun, the action quotient was high, and I didn’t have to really think once. Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood is nothing like this. While well-made (I mean it’s Ridley Scott, after all), the movie falls flat, it’s WAY too long, and the action is disjointed. Now, I’m not against a thinkier summer blockbuster—I mean, I absolutely adored The Dark Knight. But there definitely is a difference between, say a Braveheart versus an Iron Man. One is long as fuck, full of politics and sweeping cinematography, and made solely for the purpose of winning awards, while, the other is made for audiences to cheer with a fun superhero in a lighthearted and fun flick. Robin Hood just happens to fit into the latter category. It is clunky, slow, and kinda boring. Sure, fine it’s sorta epic. But whatever. Read more about Russell Crowe’s not-so Merry Men and Lady Marian’s sour puss after the jump! | Archives
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