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There are certain types of movies that you have to create a different rating system for. There are those genuinely GOOD movies, such as Inglourious Basterds or Fantastic Mr. Fox, those movies that are okay, the movies that are bad, and then there are movies like MacGruber: so fleeting and disposable but pretty watchable (see last week’s Clash of the Titans review). But the thing is, as pretty ho hum as the SNL spinoff is, it’s fairly funny, and (better yet) not as shitty as you think it should be.

Read more about inappropriate uses of celery and the C-word jokes after the jump!

 
 
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“Release the Kraken!” If that sentence doesn’t send you into a fit of excitement, I don’t know what will—maybe Sam Worthington’s meaty thighs… Anyway; I digress. If you’re a fan of the original Clash of the Titans the “reimaging” will sure to please you. If you’ve never seen the 1981 version but are a fan of ruff ‘n’ tumble action flicks with tons of fires and CGI monsters, you will still be pleased. However, if none of this thrills you, stay far far away.

Read the full Clash of the Titans review after the jump!
 
 
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The Runaways opens with a shot of what looks like red nail polish dripping onto the pavement and two blonde girls giggling as they run into a fast food bathroom. Cherie Currie’s sister declares her little sis a woman now (ewww, right?) and they proceed to whore themselves up with tight clothing and bright makeup before hopping into a dude’s car. Now, if the thought of first-time period blood doesn’t scare you off, you’re in luck. The rest of The Runaways tries to be just as provocative as its initial shot but can never recapture the same shock or surprise—unless you count the generous whooping of pervy middle-aged bros in the audience when a 15-year-old Dakota Fanning makes out with Kristen Stewart.

And, while the film doesn’t quite regain shock or surprise, The Runaways is actually a pretty decent film that goes way past grrrrl power. It’s ultimately the story of two chicks that wanted to become famous and grew up way too fast. And, okay were maybe exploited by some pervy dudes along the way.

Read more about Fanning in corsets after the jump!

 
 
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Full disclaimer: this review of How to Train Your Dragon is about the boring, ol’ 2D version. The 3D screening was in the wee hours of the morning during South by Southwest, and I didn’t drag my drunken ass out of bed. I apologize. I was just as sad as you are.

That being said…How to Train Your Dragon is hopelessly adorable—like baby kittens turned into animated dragons adorable. I turned to Greg multiple times to let out a ‘tween girl squeal—that’s how cute this movie was. However, if you’re going sans little munchkin, you may be bored at some of the kiddie jokes. And if you are going with small kids, they may get restless as was indicated by all the questioning youngsters ruining my movie going experience at the screening. Needless to say, fun was had by almost all.

Read more about kitten dragons after the jump!

 
 
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Normally I would try to be cute and witty with this opening sentence, but I’m not gonna pussyfoot around the subject at hand for this one: Valentine’s Day sucks. It sucks hard. It sucks so hard, I almost think Gary Marshall tried to make it suck so badly. Question: How do you make so many likable actors so terrible? Answer: Get them to star in Valentine’s Day.

Read why Valentine’s Day blows so much after the jump!
 
 
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Now, don't get me wrong. I have a soft spot for rom-coms, as I explained in my The Proposal review. There's something really gratifying about already knowing how a movie is going to end but enjoying the process anyway. That's why it takes a lot for a rom-com to make me excited; because every fucking cliche and strained plot device has been done. So either the plot needs to make me go "hey....." in surprise every once and a while, or the two leads must be hella charming. When in Rome, starring every nerd boy's (and girl's) crush, Kristen Bell, did neither of those things. 

Read the full review after the jump!
 
 
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What happens when a ritzy, small-time film director takes on a Hollywood blockbuster, especially when the main character is one of the most beloved of classical fiction? You get Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes, which is one part Ritchie’s normal, herky jerky filmmaking, one part studio pandering, and one part Robert Downey Jr., but minus all the character development.

Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes takes Sherlock Holmes and yanks him from his normal, stuffy fare and transplants him into a would-be action flick—I say would be because I’m not quite sure the film has as much action as the trailer would lead you to believe. Oh, sure there are explosions and fights, but it’s not quite as in-your-face as action-starved frat boys might be rooting for. That’s not to say that Sherlock Holmes isn’t fun, because it is, but it feels so disjointed, as if the studio said, “Hey, Ritchie, can you tone down some of your Ritchie-ness?” And then Ritchie proclaimed, “I will cram the most Ritchie-ness I can into each scene.”

Read more after the jump.
 
 
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Even though I didn’t really like Juno, it was no fault of its director, Jason Reitman. The movie was well-acted, and the directing was pretty good—it was just that hipper-than-thou dialogue that made me cringe. And, I LOVE Thank You For Smoking, which was a particularly well-crafted directorial debut. So, when you consider the amalgamation of George Clooney, Jason Reitman, and a whole slew of funny cameo appearances, it’s no wonder that critics are going gaga for Up in the Air. I’m just not one of them.

Read more after the jump!
 
 
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I think I might be 10 to 12 years too old to really get the Twilight phenom, and, perhaps, I'm about 15 years too young to really howl at a shirtless 17 year old because that's the sentiment I walked away with after the Twilight Saga: New Moon screening this week. So, devout lovers of the books, beware; there's a good chance my review might break your heart..that is, of course, if Robert Pattinson hasn't stolen it away already.  

Read the review after the jump!
 
 
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Unlike Greg, I’m a pretty big fan of period pieces. Give me a movie about a bad ass queen, throw in some sweet costumes and some romance, and I’m sold. This being said, a lot of historical dramas tend to be on the dull side, and The Young Victoria, even with all its glorious costuming and beautiful locations, falls into this category.

Most films about Queen Victoria have focused on her later years, of which there were many, considering she was the longest reigning monarch Britain has ever seen. Not much has made mention of her earlier years, which were filled with overbearing advisors, copious wooing, and political strife. The Young Victoria aims to portray Victoria before the stiffness the era that bears her name would later be associated with, as well as the beginning of her long love affair with Prince Albert.

More after the jump!